“Curb Appeal” = The art of making your house look so good from the outside that potential buyers forget they can’t afford it.
“Cozy” = It means you can touch both walls at the same time.
“Open Floor Plan” = Good luck finding a place to hide from your family.
“Ocean View” = You might see water if you stand on your tiptoes and squint really hard.
“Panoramic Ocean View” = Less squinting needed.
“Low-Maintenance Yard” = Prepare to embrace the beauty of gravel and succulents. Your dog will hate it.
“Charming” = The real estate version of “it has a great personality.”
“Improved Pricing” = It’s less of a ripoff now.
“Off-Market” = Everyone has passed on it already.
“Seller Will Carry” = No bank will touch this.
“Bring All Offers” = My seller is nuts, so lowball me.
“Perfect For 1031” = Perfect if you want to overpay.
“Trophy Property” = Overpriced.
“Generational Property” = Way overpriced.
“Call For Price” = We’re embarrassed to publish it.
“Distressed” = Not distressed.
“For Sale By Owner” = For sale by ego.
“Below Replacement Cost” = Meaningless filler words.
“Leasehold Interest” = You’re not buying real estate.
“Fixer-Upper” = A polite term for a house that’s about to be condemned.
“Needs some love” = You might need therapy after seeing the kitchen.
“Rustic Charm” = No Wi-Fi, but plenty of cobwebs to keep you company.
“Open Concept” = No place to hide your junk.
“Vintage Decor” = Previous owners thought you’d enjoy their 1970s design choices as a timeless gift.
“Quaint Neighborhood” = The only exciting thing that happens is the occasional squirrel chase.
“Up-and-Coming Area” = It’s not great now, but just wait until someone opens an artisanal kombucha shop.
Any closet is a walk in closet if you try hard enough.
“1st Time on the market “ – old
person died in it and tons of junk in the garage and yard