“Curb Appeal” = The art of making your house look so good from the outside that potential buyers forget they can’t afford it.

“Cozy” = It means you can touch both walls at the same time.

“Open Floor Plan” = Good luck finding a place to hide from your family.

“Ocean View” = You might see water if you stand on your tiptoes and squint really hard.

“Panoramic Ocean View” = Less squinting needed.

“Low-Maintenance Yard” = Prepare to embrace the beauty of gravel and succulents. Your dog will hate it.

“Charming” = The real estate version of “it has a great personality.”

“Improved Pricing” = It’s less of a ripoff now.

“Off-Market” = Everyone has passed on it already.

“Seller Will Carry” = No bank will touch this.

“Bring All Offers” = My seller is nuts, so lowball me.

“Perfect For 1031” = Perfect if you want to overpay.

“Trophy Property” = Overpriced.

“Generational Property” = Way overpriced.

“Call For Price” = We’re embarrassed to publish it.

“Distressed” = Not distressed.

“For Sale By Owner” = For sale by ego.

“Below Replacement Cost” = Meaningless filler words.

“Leasehold Interest” = You’re not buying real estate.

“Fixer-Upper” = A polite term for a house that’s about to be condemned.

“Needs some love” = You might need therapy after seeing the kitchen.

“Rustic Charm” = No Wi-Fi, but plenty of cobwebs to keep you company.

“Open Concept” = No place to hide your junk.

“Vintage Decor” = Previous owners thought you’d enjoy their 1970s design choices as a timeless gift.

“Quaint Neighborhood” = The only exciting thing that happens is the occasional squirrel chase.

“Up-and-Coming Area” = It’s not great now, but just wait until someone opens an artisanal kombucha shop.

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